Cesc wants dream move, but DreamWorks wouldn't want him….

So that’s it; you’ve been blogging for a while now and people seem to like the things you say; maybe you’ve even written a post or two and received some OK reviews. Maybe it’s time to spread your literary wings, perhaps with a magazine article or some short stories; maybe even a book… A book…? Forget it. A half-decent book means at least a hundred thousand words and unless you are Barbara Cartland, that takes about a year to write and edit. How about a screenplay? Now that’s an idea, but what genre and what subject?

There are few, if any, rules concerning subject matter when it comes to writing a Hollywood screenplay. Hollywood scriptwriters have given us incredible shrinking men, and incredible giant women, and talking animals, and super-powered heroes, and intergalactic space travel. They’ve stretched our feeble imaginations with a bikini-clad Raquel Welch, tormenting Neanderthal machismos a million years before the birth of Christ, and a bikini-clad Carrie Fisher tormenting alien machismos in a galaxy far-far away. They’ve shown us a gigantic prehistoric love-struck ape, swatting biplanes and clinging to the top of the Empire State Building, and had us believe that a man can not only fly faster than the speed of light, but turn back time in order to save the girl he loves.

The point is that Hollywood never did turn down a script because the subject matter was too outlandish, or lurid, or crass, or unbelievable. So why are there ten-thousand ever-hopeful screenwriting failures, living out there in Rejection-Slip Land?

The slush-pile lottery plays a major part of course, but Hollywood also has some rules, and those rules are absolute. The script needs to be well-written, and legible, interesting and well-paced, but success will require more than pace and presentation. There are archetypes that you must include, and a well-worn path for your hero to travel… above all you need a hero who is severely tested, makes incredible sacrifices, and does wonderfully heroic things.

So let’s cut to the chase. You’ve chosen sport as the genre, a subject you know well and love, which is always a good idea. You’ve chosen your beloved Arsenal’s young captain as your story’s hero, and a little unimaginatively called it The Cesc Fabregas Story. Weeks of deprivation have passed, and you finally have your script ready. You also have an edge; a contact to help avoid the slush-pile lotteries of agents and producers.

You’ve got a friend, who knows a friend, whose auntie’s next-door-neighbour has a pen-pal in American who knows a film producer/director called Steven. He’s here in the U.K. visiting a firm in Wardour Street, the celluloid city of dreams. He’s got a space between meetings. Against his better judgement he agrees to see you. Congratulations. You’ve fast-tracked the process. You’re on your way.

In truth the pitch doesn’t start well. Steven growls and points to an alarm clock on the desk… you’ve got thirty-seconds. You tell him you’ve got a screenplay. He snarls. Everyone’s got a screenplay; welcome to the world. Undaunted you press on. This one is a sports story; about football. He snarls again. He’s had grid-iron, up the wazooo. You persevere. This is different; it’s not that sort of football… it’s what Americans call soccer.

Soccer! He bellows an expletive. Apparently there hasn’t been a decent pitch on that since Escape to Victory, and that was shit. He gives a knowing grin… given your current goalkeeping problems, maybe you should be pitching this to Sly Stallone. He obviously knows more about Arsenal than he’s letting on. Maybe he had dinner with Stan last night.

No, you plead, this is different. It’s like Star Wars meets Fever Pitch.

Star Wars!!! His eyes glaze over, just for a moment. Suddenly he leans across the desk, picks up the clock and hurls it against the wall; it shatters into a dozen pieces. Seems he’s been waiting over thirty years to get one over on George Lucas; now you’ve got his undivided attention. You tell him it’s a true story. He couldn’t give a damn. Just get to the pitch.

You remember the rules and tell him your story begins with the first archetype, your hero. He’s a swarthy and handsome young Spaniard named Cesc, and he’s languishing in the Barcelona Academy in his ordinary Catalonian world. Young Cesc dreams of one day playing for the first team, maybe even playing for Spain, and scoring the goal or making the slide-rule pass that wins the world cup. He dreams of fabulous wealth and dusky señoritas and fast cars and fame and fortune, but he’s just another hopeful boy among a plethora of similarly hopeful boys. Will he ever escape the shackles of the academy? Will he ever achieve his dreams? Right now it seems a forlorn hope.

Great first scene…  Steven starts openly salivating. This is looking good. You move on.

Enter the next archetype, the herald announcing the call to adventure; you’ve named him Arse2-DD. He has come to essential Spain from a strange and wonderful land across the sea. He brings news of a desperate war being waged to the north, between the forces of light in London’s N5 and the forces of darkness that threaten to return the footballing world to a time of dubbing, and heavy-leather footballs, swamp-like pitches, and, worst of all, English managers.

Will the intrepid young Cesc cross the seas to join the mighty Arsenal and free the world from darkness, and dangerous tackles, route-one pedantry, and boring football?

Well of course he will. Whatever La Mancha can boast Catalonia can better, and when did any proud young Catalonian hero deny himself the opportunity to tilt at the scything windmills of a lunging defender’s studs?

By now you’ve got him spielbound; he can’t wait to hear the third scene, and neither can you dear blogger… I can tell. He leans across the desk and rips the pages from your hands. You stand nervously watching as he feverishly scans the print, muttering as he reads.

‘Good, good; Cesc leaves his ordinary world and flies to England to join The Invincibles? Yeah, that’s got a ring to it; I can run with that. Cesc meets with the mentor. Who is this guy, this Arsene Wenger? So what’s he look like? Slim, grey haired, sharp as a whip, the archetypal Obi-Wan Kenobi… great’! He hits the intercom… ‘Give Alec Guinness a call; see if he’s free…. He’s what? Damn! When did that happen? Did we send flowers? OK, what about Clooney; he’ll do anything these days; give him a call.’

Steven loves your script… the young Cesc’s allies are like knights from some futuristic round table: DB10 and TH14 and Pires and Freddie and the rest of the Invincibles. The villains are almost as colourful. He says they’re like something from a damn monster movie… Old Red Nose and Fat Sam, ‘Arry the twitch, Orange Brown, and Paranoid Pulis; this script’s got everything… except maybe a girl.

You rack your brain for a solution, and there it is. A red light suddenly comes on in your head, and you remember. You tell him there is a girl; in Manchester. Her name’s Coleen. She was going to play an extra in the new Shrek movie, but he blew the budget on another girl, or blew another girl on the budget. Either way, she’s just started supporting Arsenal. Steven looks inquisitively across; would she look good in a gold bikini, chained to Fat Sam? You nod. He smiles. You’re over the first hurdle. He reads on.

He’s hooked, mentally lining up the shell companies as he reads… Cesc grows with every game; a true gladiator. He says that bit where the evil Emperor Platini brings back Juventus Paddy, the previous undefeated champion, for a man-to-man contest with young Cesc, is marvellous. He even thinks we should maybe start calling young Cesc ‘The Spaniard’. He smiles maliciously, and says ‘wouldn’t that annoy the crap out of Ridley Scott’. Still he reads, and still he smiles…The carnage wreaked by Taylor the Terrible at St. Andrews field, and the dastardly deed of Shawcross the Shameless; it’s all compelling stuff, and somehow Cesc survives… remarkable!

Now though he’s reaching the final few pages… the crescendo is nearing. From across the sea the shadows and tricksters are gathering; their voices whispering terrible things into youthful Spanish ears; their sirens calls are unsettling and beguiling young Cesc. These are the dark times; the times of dread and fear. This is his sternest test. Steven looks up and smiles knowledgeably. Don’t tell me; you tie Cesc to the mast, and put wax in everyone’s ears? You shake your head; wrong plot. He scowls and goes back to the script.

Steven suddenly looks up again. He’s run out of pages. Where the hell’s the rest of it? You tell him again that it’s a true story and it’s not finished yet. He growls at you…Screw that! Whad’yer think’s gonna happen? He insists you make a guess. You say you think Cesc’s gonna go home; you nervously add, that’s pretty much the end of the story.

End of the story, he roars. End of what story? What kind of cockamamie story was that? Where was the finale, the crescendo, the ultimate victory; the final and most difficult test being passed? What the hell happened to the hero…? Roy Scheider snatching victory from the jaws of Jaws; Grace Kelly running down the street to save Gary Cooper from the Miller Gang; Clint Eastwood, throwing back the poncho to reveal the iron shield before totalling the villainous Ramon Rojo. Far as he can see all you got here is a talented kid who got homesick, broke his word, and better-dealt his allies the first chance he got.

He snarls for you to ‘get the hell outta here’ and, as you leave his office, you hear him on the intercom. He’s asking his secretary to get hold of the guy with the comedy script; the one about shaking-down that sheik in Man-Chester. It’s the one where that lanky streak-of-piss runs eighty yards to confront his old supporters, before realising he’s scored an own goal.

You wander on down Wardour Street; sadly shaking your head… He was right of course; you were so close, so very close. It could have been a great story, a blockbuster film, a classic tale of triumph over adversity, but just when it looked like you had the world at your feet, you somehow blew it.

Written by mikeB

123 thoughts on “Cesc wants dream move, but DreamWorks wouldn't want him….

  1. rico says:

    Love it mike, just love it, there’s a lot more to the end of the story in the ‘real world’ of cesc, i think the ending we will see, dreamworks would like 😉

  2. W.A.T.H says:

    Great write Mike, only thing missing was an interval so I could go get the popcorn and the coke sit down and finish the other half of the story…!

  3. mikeB says:

    Morning Rico,
    at least you’re getting out 😆

    looks like the star won’t be playing much part tomorrow… maybe holding him for the CL?

  4. W.A.T.H says:

    Nah Mike, gotta go with the popcorn and that makes me thirsty so then it’s the pepsi………. Plenty time for the wine after the film…! 😉

    I think Cesc got his feet up on the footrest let alone training..!

  5. mikeB says:

    I don’t see that being dropped thing either.

    He was almost ready for Chelski, and so it has to be holding him for Tuesday… maybe he’ll make the bench for the last twenty on Saturday… assuming we don’t suffer another WBA debacle.

  6. mikeB says:

    Damn! but on the bright side we’ll have an embarrassment of riches come November; assuming we’re not too far behind by then.

  7. Red Arse says:

    What rubbish MikeB!

    There I was settling down for a right rip roaring , toot and froot story of Hobgoblins, Orks and extremely creepy spacey thingeys, all of them slithering thisaway and thataway, trying to make naughty with the fair Princess Rico, when in steps some nerdy bloke recounting the story of trying to sell some tatty, cockamamey story about a creepy little, treacherous, doe eyed footballer, to a ne’er do well, has-been Hollwood mogul!!! Get out of here!

    Go write me a real story about real people, with plenty of goblins, elves by the bucketload, and a wizard with pointy ears, and with a HERO, for gawdsakes!

    Actually Muke, I too loved your Hollywood story-noir! 🙂
    So that’s what you have been doing for the last couple of weeks, leaving me to keep WATH company. 🙂

  8. mikeB says:

    Hi RA >:)

    Don’t know if that came out, but it was as close to a hobgoblin as I could come up with… actually I’ve been trying to learn Espanol… with some difficulty… how you doing?

  9. mikeB says:

    Hi bops,

    many thanks for the kind words… why do you think I know so much about slush piles and rejection slips?
    😆

  10. mikeB says:

    Rico,

    that was what I heard… Wenger said he’s very, very short… but then we already knew that; so is everybody in our midfield 😆

  11. Red Arse says:

    MikeB,

    I’m fine, but have missed having a little joust with you.

    What a coincidence, you are trying to learn Espanol, presumably for your return to lovely Valencia, while I am studying with Texas, Austin Uni to improve my French. 🙂

  12. Red Arse says:

    Maybe we should collaborate on writing a book, that way we could blame each other for the rejection! 🙂

    I was told by peeps, on a third site, that my writing was stylish but no one could understand me without having a dictionary handy. I’m beginning to think there maybe something in it. Innit, gerrit!

    I have tried to write in the vernacular, but then I don’t understand what I’m saying! 🙂 What to do?

    Well perhaps my postulating collaboration may pay dividends after all, provided that we write about pixies, fairies, leprauchauns and the like? 🙂

  13. Red Arse says:

    MikeB,

    Louisiana serait bien Mike, mais j’ai un attachement a Austin! 🙂

    No fear of misunderstanding you then WATH. — (that’s irony, which isn’t the thingy you pressy your laundry with) 🙂

  14. Red Arse says:

    Rico,

    As I am sure Mike will tell you, talking to a Spaniard or a Frenchman, and saying “hold on a minute, I have to borrow Rico’s google” would not help the flow! 🙂

    Not much cop when doing exams either I suspect! 🙂 But each to his/her own.

  15. Red Arse says:

    MikeB,

    You have hit my weak spot, Spanish is one of the 159 languages I do not speak, other than “una cerveza, por favor”. 🙂

    You will need to help me out.

  16. K-TR7 says:

    Morning all.great post Mike B.Cesc should shut it.we know he has the barça dream but so does everyone.there is someone out there who is a janitor but has dreams of being an engineer.he doesn’t moan all the time and neither should cesc.he has everything:Arsenal captain,won the WC and Euros by playing both finals and assisting the winner in the WC finals.he has marshalled our midfield in CL,FA and CC finals.we have shown how much we want him to stay but he isn’t helping his case speaking about barca every chance he gets.

  17. Red Arse says:

    You little minx Princess Rico.

    Actually, I find just pointing at the empty bottle works perfectly well. 🙂

  18. K-TR7 says:

    Cesc is right thou;we have missed RVP10 big time!the mancs,chavs,barca… are often bailed out by the brilliance of rooney,drogba,messi…during bad days but the man who does it for us has dodgy ankles.the day he plays a full season he’ll get the recognition he deserves.

  19. mikeB says:

    Hi K-TR7,

    Thanks for the kind words… I have to agree… it’s all getting a little tedious, and must have a debilitating effect on the rest of the team.

  20. W.A.T.H says:

    The time RVP plays a full season KT we’ll all prob be dead n buried….! maybe you can get a full season out of him on your playstation games…?!?!?!

  21. K-TR7 says:

    In his latest interview rico he has said if he left us it would only be to barça.he has said that he appreciates how much we wanted to keep him but i think he should show it through actions not words.

  22. K-TR7 says:

    Even on my playstation games WATH he gets tackled once he is out for weeks!i even sub him when am winning to avoid him getting injured…

  23. W.A.T.H says:

    That’s funny KT even the games world knows how fragile he is…….. Shame really but very soon we gonna have to make a decision on him as always being unnavailable is ridiculous…!

  24. Red Arse says:

    MikeB,

    I have to disappear (?) for a while, but before doing so, can I tell you that you should not give up your aspirations to become an author.

    Becoming more familiar with your style, if you have not yet discovered him, give Alan Furst a read. His subject matter is almost unique to him, but his style is somewhat akin to yours and he is huge in the US. I love his work.

    Give it a go. You will thank me after your first million! 🙂

  25. rico says:

    January will see the cesc saga all over again, oh how i can’t wait 🙂

    Thats funny re Robin on playstation KT…

  26. K-TR7 says:

    WATH I just hope that one day we get to see him fully fit because his talent deserves it.everytime he gets tackled am petrified that he’ll be out for 6 months!

  27. rico says:

    KT, i think that is every fans hope, along with seeing him score goals like that one against Charlton again…. Dreams…

  28. K-TR7 says:

    If you know any PS3/Xbox 360 gamer out there they will tell you the same.he has a grade of D in the injury department.he is currently out for 15 weeks in my season!

  29. W.A.T.H says:

    When’s he’s fit KT he does give us something very different and he can turna match on it’s head in 20seconds no denying that but the injuries are becoming a very big problem to keep having to cope and deal with…! whats the use of him always being absent..???

  30. K-TR7 says:

    Ricn that charlton volley is up there with the likes of Zidane in the CL finals and Marco Van Basten in the Euros as the best volleys of all time.the amount of talent RVP10 has makes it more painful to see it wasted by him being on the sidelines most of the time.in 08-09 was the closest we were to see him fulfill his potential.i remember in January that season he scored/assisted in all our goals that month.

  31. rico says:

    WATH, how many managers would keep paying his wage? the same could have been said for Rosicky though….

    Wenger has to make a decision on RvP, keep him which i think he should, but learn not to rely on him and trat him as a luxury. In doing so, he should buy another striker who can score goals.

  32. K-TR7 says:

    We can only hope that he turns a corner like rosicky has.RVP10 has showed us what he is capable of on many occasions.who can forget his cameo vs spurs last season?his goals against Fulham and City away last season?that volley in the last minute at Goodison Park?…we can only hope.

  33. K-TR7 says:

    I believe if had be injury free since he was 21 he’d be mentioned in the same breath as henry and DB10 or even better.we can only hope he has a late peak like drogba.

  34. W.A.T.H says:

    No mate, he’s very very good but not in DB’s league. . .. Then again only one or two come to mind that were anyhwere near in DB’s league, was an absolute privilege to watch that man walk on the pitch every saturday in an Arsenal shirt….!

  35. rico says:

    WATH – i think he could have got close to henry, but Dennis… There’s only one Dennis Bergkamp and there only ever will be one…

    One of my all time fav’s to wear our shirt under the wenger reign… must be the only good thing Rioch did 😉

  36. mikeB says:

    Hi Rico,

    yeah; in some ways I’m glad for them; they’ve suffered more than most, but then I remember Phil Thompson’s comment about there only being a ‘Big Three’ at the beginning of last year, and I don’t feel quite so sympathetic.

  37. rico says:

    mike, i wanted H&G to win, then they would have gone into admin and been deducted 9 points, can’t stand them…

  38. rico says:

    Quite fitting comment in view of your post mike, have you seen the the little kid in Africa UTD, the one with the Arsenal shirt on, he is so so cute 🙂

  39. mikeB says:

    Rico,
    you may still get your wish; if Roy doesn’t start to pull something out of the fire with results… These New England people aren’t nice, quaint, old-fashioned dippers… they’re hard-nosed businessmen in to make a profit, and soccer never was the love of New England’s life.

  40. rico says:

    I hope so then mike, the only person i feel for is Roy Hodgson, he’s a good manager, a gentleman and he’s honest… The dippers don’t deserve him, since he’s been there they just haven’t played for him….

  41. mikeB says:

    As for Roy H; I agree he’s a gent in a land of crooks and con-men. He’s the fav for the next England job, but in a way I hope he doesn’t take it; it’s a poison chalice… give it to twitchy and watch the twitch get out of control in no time flat 😆

  42. rico says:

    just the eleven 😉

    I wish he’d stayed at Fulham mike…. i think ‘arry could be in with a shout when capello quits or gets sacked, can’t see fat sam getting it and i don’t think the FA will risk another overseas manager – but, shock horror, i read the other day that the FA are considering Steve McClaren again….

    If he takes the job, i hope he pays back all that money….

  43. mikeB says:

    McClaren was quoted as saying… ‘if I even think about it, shoot me!’

    As for twitchy… I think his past is a little too colourful for the FA. Too many skeletons twitching in too many cupboards… the old-school-ties don’t like that at all.

    I think it’s RH or maybe Steve Bruce… whoever it is will have to be whiter-than-white.

    As for the eleven… and counting 😆 why the hell do you think I want to go back to Spain 😆

  44. rico says:

    You think the FA will worry about ‘Arrys past mike?? I’m not so sure, my preference would be Bruce but if by appointing Arry it means the scum suffer then i’m all for him getting the job 😉

    Of course, now i understand why you want to jet set away 🙂

  45. mikeB says:

    I think they’ll suffer anyway… Arry never was the staying kind. When it looks like the new stadium is gonna start cramping his spendaholic style, he’ll better-deal them… who knows; by that time it could be for the dippers. what goes around and all that 😆

  46. mikeB says:

    Rico,
    I seriously can’t stand him… after the way he dumped Portsmouth… twice, and then went back and raped the squad, I think he’s a complete scumbag!

    I know loyalty is scarce in this new footballing world, but that was taking it too far.

  47. rico says:

    I couldn’t have put that any better mike, what he did to Pompey was near on criminal… In fact it was wasn’t it, is he not still being investigated??

  48. mikeB says:

    Rico,
    yeah; that’s still pending… which is why I think the FA will stay clear… that and just about every other shady deal he ever pulled.

  49. Red Arse says:

    Have you heard the latest filth spilling out of the mouths of Fat Slob Sam, and that evil Puking Pulis?

    Having lain low, like the cowardly curs they are, sniffed the breeze and then got that craven organisation, the LMA, to lambast Murphy, they are slinking out and kicking the sugar out of Danny Murhy.

    What is utterly vomit inducing, is listening to that deluded, thick as a plank, arseh*le Allardyce talking about himself in the third person.

    “Danny Murphy doesn’t know Sam Allardyce, he has never played for Sam Allardyce, …… he is talking about his perception of Sam Allardyce, …… I hate perception”.

    My God, and that pile of festering dung thinks he should be the next England manager!

    Next to Allardyce, Pulis and McCarthy, old Twitchy seems quite loveable, and that’s even when I say I cannot stand the dodgy dealer either!

  50. mikeB says:

    RA,

    As we all expected… wait until the gang’s all together then strut and pose in front of the SKY cameras… bullies in the school playground couldn’t be so crass.

    But as long as Jabba the Hut is best mates with old red nose, SKY will continue to give him all the air time he wants… that and the fact that the Mail on Sunday, and the Express, (neither being part of News International) crucified him at the weekend.

    When old red nose finally turns up his toes Fat Sam will probably retire and find a hole to hide in 😆

  51. Red Arse says:

    Today seems to be a day of coincidences.

    On another site, mention was made of Hleb neing a weaner, which is a piglet fattened up for slaughter, and now Rico is talking about piggies, while the legal whizzes advising RBS, are my old mates Slaughter and May! Funny old world. 🙂

  52. mikeB says:

    Well Folks, or in this case Rico and RA,

    The sun is about to dip very severely over the yard arm, and the Rioja is calling.

    Great to chat today, and if you’re serious about wanting a gobbling story RA; I do have a telephone number you might use :LOL:

    Have a great evening

  53. rico says:

    nighty night mike, it’s been a good day, thanks again and looking forward to your next fine peice, same goes for you RA, its been a long time 😉

  54. Red Arse says:

    Another thing that gets me steamed up, is that the blogs and the “real” media, all follow each other (copy ?) in adopting a phrase or idea and flog it to death.

    The most recent one is “winning mentality”. What the blue blazes does this mean apart from the bleeding obvious?

    The antithesis of this is, I assume, a “losing mentality” or a “drawing mentality”. Where can I get some?

    Does anyone seriously believe a team goes out to play with a desire to lose? Have you noticed how often punters make wild assertions about other peoples mentality? “He did not intend to break his leg, he is not that sort of player”. “He would not have deliberately smashed his elbow into his opponent’s teeth, he just feared being fouled himself”.

    All these mind readers. Lucky they don’t read mine!! 🙂

  55. rico says:

    RA, running a blog is very difficult, finding a new story to break is almost impossible…

    I try and feed off the news and the daily paps and go from there 😉

    Unless a site is lucky enough to have a few writers who all pull their wight and write about their own views it’s hard sometimes…

  56. Red Arse says:

    Rico,

    They are having a “rant Friday” on AA today, but everyone is too nice, or too polite, so I thought I would come on a site with a bit of rough, (well me and the princess) and rant here instead!

  57. Red Arse says:

    Rico, my dear, I did not mean you. Honestly! 🙂

    If you look at Newsnow in the half hour, this “mentality” thing is mentioned at least twice. The other blogs are also full of it. Arggh!

    With a limited subject matter, where we all devour any news or gossip available, of course info is passed around and exchanged between papers and blogs.

    What I am on about is this latching onto a poor phrase and hammering it.

    Rants over ! 🙂

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